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Which Comes First, Sex or Friendship? The Chicken and the Egg in Marriage

Sex and friendship in marriage can be a lot like the chicken and the egg.

Do you have sex to build friendship, or does building friendship lead to more sex.

The answer? Yes.

Yes to both.

That’s what we found in our survey results for The Great Sex Rescue, as Joanna talked briefly about in her segment on the Bare Marriage podcast last week about orgasms. Marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction are closely linked.

Today I wanted to pull out just a few of our results and point you to THREE quick things that are important to know about this chicken and egg phenomenon. So let’s jump in!

Point 1: Great sex and a great marriage do go hand in hand.

We definitely found that people with strong marriages tend to have better sex. Women in the top 20% of marital satisfaction were four times more likely to reliably orgasm than women in the bottom 20%! And when women feel that their opinions matter in marriage just as much as his do, they’re roughly 7 times more likely to say he does enough foreplay and roughly 4 times more likely to say that she feels comfortable talking to him about what she wants in bed (plus a ton of other findings that are in a pretty chart in The Great Sex Rescue!). But you can also read those results the other way–when she feels comfortable telling him what she wants in bed, she’s also more likely to say that her opinion matters in marriage!

We definitely found that people with great sex lives tend to have great marriages–and people with great marriages tend to have great sex lives! They go hand in hand, because sex is not only physical. It’s also about emotional and spiritual connection. When you feel as if you have that outside the bedroom, then inside the bedroom is more likely to rock!

And then, when the bedroom does rock, you build this sense of closeness, like “we’re in this together”, and that, in turn, feeds your marriage.

For sex to feel intimate, it needs to be about saying, “I want you,” not just “I want sex.” It needs to be about saying, “I see you. I choose you. I want to experience something with you, and only you. I want to know you better.”

You is the key word. You are the focus. Sex is not just about me; it’s about me knowing you and building us.

The Great Sex Rescue, p. 22

Point 2: Sex can smooth over problems and help healthy couples feel close, but it cannot fix a bad relationship.

However, when we talked with our focus groups and did interviews, and reviewed other research, it’s clear that a great marriage can help build a great sex life, but a great sex life can’t fix a bad marriage. When you work on your marriage, and work on your communication, and help each other feel valued, sex will tend to get better. When you build better sex, you don’t necessarily grow a better marriage.

You can smooth over problems, though. You can help build goodwill in the marriage so that it’s easier to tackle small communication issues, or bring up issues that might be bugging you (I’d love it if you’d give me more of a hand with the kids at night rather than sitting in front of a screen; I’d love to spend time on the weekends doing something fun instead of always hanging out with your mom). When you have that foundation that says, “I like having fun with you and experiencing this with you together,” then you solidify that relationship and you can talk about things.

In fact, sex can be a shortcut to rebuild closeness when there’s been tension. How many times have you been picking at each other all day, and then you make love at night, and you just sigh this comfortable sigh of relief and snuggle in each other’s arms, and all is forgotten? It’s like a way of saying, “It’s okay. We really are good.”

But if you’re not really able to talk outside the bedroom, or if your marriage is marred by some major issues, sex can’t fix it. And, in fact, if the problems are big enough, having sex can prolong those problems, because when you do have sex, you tell your spouse, “we’re okay. We’re together. We’re on the same page.” So if you’re regularly having sex with someone who is wounding you emotionally or betraying you, you actually tell them, “this behaviour of yours is actually acceptable.” What we found in many interviews and emails is that spouses often didn’t take a big, marriage endangering problem seriously until the sex stopped.

(That’s not saying that you should stop having sex whenever something is bugging you, but in cases of porn use, addictions, or any form of abuse, having sex can solidify the issue).

Point 3: Frequency matters less than sexual quality when it comes to building the relationship.

Sex where she doesn’t orgasm and where she doesn’t feel particularly emotionally close to him during sex is not going to build the relationship in the long term. In fact, if she keeps having sex with him when she’s not orgasming and when she’s not feeling particularly close, and you may find that in a decade or two she just gives up on sex altogether. In fact, you’re 7 times more likely to end up in a sexless marriage!

If he doesn’t spend enough time on foreplay she’s fourteen times less likely to say that her husband spends enough time on foreplay and twelve times less likely to say that he makes her pleasure a priority. When she feels as if her pleasure doesn’t matter to her husband, she’s far less likely to feel emotionally close during sex.

At the same time, when she feels as if sex is about them together, and it isn’t only about him, she’s five times more likely to reliably orgasm.

When she has really bad sex where she feels as if her pleasure is not a priority, she feels more emotionally distant, not less. So if sex is going to build your friendship, it has to be good sex! Intercourse alone doesn’t do it.

Okay…so which is it? The chicken of the egg?

After all of that, I’d say that in relatively healthy marriages, where you have regular disagreements–have sex as much as you can and make it awesome! It’s a great way to invest in the relationship, keep that relationship strong, and keep you feeling happy and cherished. Couples who have frequent sex that’s awesome also tend to build marriages that are awesome. And that feeling of closeness in the bedroom does transfer outside of the bedroom!

But make sure it’s REAL sex, not just one-sided intercourse. Sex biblically is supposed to be INTIMATE, PLEASURABLE, and MUTUAL–it’s not just about “doing the deed”. It’s about both of you together. If you’re not receiving much pleasure from sex, check out The Orgasm Course!

The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!

Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.

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And finally, if there are big issues in your marriage, then deal with those issues, don’t expect sex to fix them. Often we’re told that having more sex is a magic elixir that makes everything better, but that’s not necessarily true. For small problems, more frequency is likely a good thing. For big problems, it can actually backfire.

Really, one of our big findings in The Great Sex Rescue is that we use frequency of sex as a measure for good marriages far too often, when frequency of sex is actually a poor measure.

If we concentrated on two different measures–do you feel emotionally close during sex, and does she feel pleasure?–we’d likely get to WHY sex builds friendship, and to the KIND OF SEX that builds friendship, a lot more quickly!

That was actually one of the big messages of our book–that we need a much more nuanced conversation about sex, because too often we think intercourse fixes everything. The truth? Sex can be awesome, and it can be a balm, and it can help build the relationship. But not all sex is the same. So we have to talk about this well. And if you want to join that conversation, then, of course, check out The Great Sex Rescue!

Sex and Friendship: The Chicken and the Egg in Marriage

What do you think? Has having sex ever made you feel closer, even during a period of tension in your marriage? Or has sex made you feel further apart? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8

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COVID: The Group At Higher Risk Of Catching It Twice

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Wednesday, March 24, 2021

A Toxic Life Is Paralyzing

While watching a basketball game last weekend, my phone rang. The caller ID indicated that it was a friend from my college days. I had not visited with him in several years and was surprised that he called. Answering the call, I sensed from his voice that he was depressed; experiencing low energy. After greeting him with as much positive energy as possible, I asked him how things were in his world? After a long sigh and stammering, as he told me that he hated his job.

My friend shared that his relationship with his wife and adult children was at the breaking point, and he was in an emotional cycle of anxiety, shame, and depression. I could feel his stress over the phone, as he droned on about feeling stuck in his job; I realized that emotional paralysis had gripped his soul. He was miserable and made sure that I shared his pain. As an empath, I have learned that I must maintain boundaries between my emotions and those that belong to others. I was not interested in joining him as he wallowed in a toxic pool of pain.

His story reminded me of the days when I was a farmer. I raised hogs and learned many lessons regarding human nature. With these memories, I told him a story that I thought he might relate to in his life. I had a pen of forty-pound feeder pigs that had made a complete mess of their pen with manure, bodily fluids, and spilled feed. The conditions had to change. So, I cleaned the next pen with the power washer, filled the feeder with a mixture of freshly ground corn, soybean meal, and minerals. The water was clean and pure; the straw bedding was fresh and inviting to a pig.

I opened the gate from the messy pen and the freshly cleaned pen entrance and tried to move the pigs. They would go right up the line of manure in the old pen and refuse to leave. I would try to push them, but they kept resisting and running back into the messy pen. Finally, I had to physically pull a dozen pigs into the clean pen before others followed. Then it dawned on me that this was just like a human who is caught in a toxic or violent environment and was too fearful of leaving. That the “manure” they were used to and knew; felt safer than taking the risk to go to a new environment. Was this why an abused spouse will return to their abuser? Was this why someone working in a toxic work environment is too fearful of leaving?

I asked my friend these questions, and he became reticent before finally telling me that was how he felt in his current situation. He was too afraid to even look for another job. This fact was poisoning his relationships with the toxic energy that entrapped him.

I gave him time to think about what he had just told me about his environment. After a pause, he told me that it was time for him to pick up his shovel, turn on the power washer, and clean out his pen. I could feel his pain and longing for relief. He had some hard work ahead of him if he was to make changes towards healing his soul.

As I disconnected the call and returned to the basketball game, I remembered that one could learn a great deal from a pig. Life is a journey of valleys and mountain tops that must be traveled. Never give up on yourself; you are worth it!

—

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Reparations Could’ve Cut the Spread of COVID-19

By Jackie Ogburn-Duke

“We demonstrate that had a program of reparations for Black American descendants of US slavery been enacted prior to the pandemic—had the nation already closed the racial wealth gap—infection rates and mortality would have been dramatically lower not only for black Americans but for all Americans,” says coauthor William A. Darity, Jr., professor of public policy at Duke University’s Sanford School.

COVID-19 has had a disproportionate impact on racial minorities. Black Americans have infection rates one and one-half times higher than whites and are three times more likely to die, according to the US Centers for Disease Control.

“The potential health impacts of racial-justice interventions are rarely explored,” write the study’s authors. The study appears in the journal Social Science & Medicine.

The researchers based their analysis on a close examination of the state of Louisiana, which has high rates of income inequality. They compared infection rate data from Louisiana with data from South Korea, a society is that relatively egalitarian, during the first two months of the pandemic.

Reparation payments could narrow the racial wealth gap, and narrow disparities in access to health care, housing, and employment, the study finds.

Reparations would have lowered the presence of pre-existing conditions that exacerbate Black vulnerability to COVID 19. Reparations would have reduced transmission of the virus among Black people by decreasing overcrowded housing, the authors write. Finally, Black Americans would not be forced to work as frequently as high-risk frontline workers, a factor compounding the spread of the disease by overcrowding.

The resulting COVID transmission rates would have been 31 to 68% lower for all Louisianans, the authors state.

Darity conducted the research with colleagues from Harvard Medical School, the Lancet Commission of Reparations and Redistributive Justice, and others.

Source: Duke University

—

This post was previously published on Futurity.org and is republished here under a Creative Commons license.

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Lars von Trier: Making You Uncomfortable | Video Essay

The ever controversial Lars von Trier is all about making the viewer uncomfortable. Through his works like Dancer in the Dark (2000), Dogville (2003), Antichrist (2009), Melancholia (2011) and Nymphomaniac (2013), he forces us to confront taboos and makes us wonder whether deep down we’ve been truthful to ourselves.

Transcript provided by Youtube:

00:02

The films of Danish director Lars Von Trier are all about confronting the viewer.

00:08

Watching his movies, we feel he’s being slightly violent towards us.

00:11

And yet — while there are plenty of other directors and films out there that go for

00:14

the same shock value — what sets Von Trier apart is that, on the other end of that violent viewing

00:19

we may be changed.

00:21

He’s not shocking us for the sake of it

00:24

although we do get the sense he’s enjoying it quite a lot.

00:26

But he’s also forcing us to confront taboos, people or ideas that challenge us

00:30

and he makes us question why we’re uncomfortable,

00:33

and whether we could open or adjust our minds to be more truthful.

00:38

He exposes that, despite what we think we know, on the deepest level we’re probably

00:42

not being truly honest with ourselves.

00:45

“For him, the artist is a provocateur.

00:47

The role of the artist is not to answer the questions of the meaning of life or pacify you,

00:53

But to confront you.”

00:55

“This ain’t rock n’ roll, this is genocide”

01:01

As Joe in Nymphomaniac articulates her hatred of taboos, it feels she’s articulating something

01:07

of Von Trier’s own philosophy on the subject.

01:09

“Excuse me, but in my circles, it’s always been a mark of honor to call a spade a spade.

01:15

Each time a word becomes prohibited, you remove a stone from the Democratic foundation.”

01:22

Von Trier’s The Idiots is about a number of healthy people who enjoy acting like they

01:26

have mental disabilities.

01:28

Like Nymphomaniac which includes a very graphic self-performed abortion,

01:31

it’s a film that’s guaranteed to anger many people.

01:46

Just as Joe’s listener criticizes her for talking about her abortion in such a graphic

01:51

way, which is a meta-comment on the film’s choice to show it the same way.

01:55

Some may at that point, or many others in Von Trier turn off

02:00

“Serious abortions, the ones that save lives, far from our social spheres

02:05

you can’t endanger them, just because you provocatively insist on showing the gory details”

02:10

The conversation between Joe and her listener echoes and dramatizes

02:14

the debate he imagines the viewer must be carrying on with the film itself.

02:18

Voicing our protests for us in order to discuss them

02:22

But Von Trier wants this clash, this violence

02:25

The whole point is to make us challenge think about our taboos, even if that just means that we’re

02:30

going to defend them to our unlistening screen.

02:56

But by charging into this taboo territory, Von Trier does access something extremely unusual

03:02

He’s challenging us to confront and possibly rewrite our opinions and feelings

03:07

on topics that we don’t like to think about and so often haven’t actually thought about in any rigorous way.

03:12

Even if we may espouse strongly held opinions or political stances on them

03:18

We avoid what falls into the category of uncomfortable.

03:21

But for Von Trier the things that make us uncomfortable are a battle that calls to us

03:26

We have to face them to discover ourselves.

03:28

So it’s not that he could get the same result by choosing another topic

03:32

it has to be the things that we don’t want to talk about and don’t want to look at

03:36

“All of the sudden, she knew the answer too her question all to well

03:42

If she had acted like them, she could not have defended a single one of her actions

03:48

and could not have condemned them harshly enough”

03:51

“You can’t think about what he’s doing without considering how he wants you to have

03:55

a strong response, and revulsion is one of the strongest responses.”

03:59

“AntiChrist is a film clearly about grief and about trauma.

04:03

And it is a film that is itself traumatic. Rather than allowing you to observe trauma

04:08

it forces you to feel it, and to confront it and experience it.

04:11

“you want to look away but you can’t.

04:13

Same thing with Nymphomaniac where it is deliberately challenging your idea of sexuality on film.”

04:20

And Dancer in the Dark, where he seems to be tormenting the character.

04:25

He’s also happy to make himself uncomfortable as a filmmaker.

04:29

He’s constantly exploring the power of limitations

04:33

“We talk about this, you know, having control or giving away control.

04:38

If you have some limitations when you work, like these rules or like other things, you are forced kind of to use your imagination.”

04:46

Von Trier’s visual style likewise underlines this feeling of discomfort and immediacy.

04:51

His style is wrapped up in his past as co-founder of Dogma 95 movement.

04:56

He and director Thomas Vinterberg started that movement to reject common Hollywood clichés and production standards,

05:02

Vowing to make movies using almost nothing artificial

05:05

at all (including lights, dollies, or even genre plot devices like guns or a crime).

05:11

Following Vinterberg’s Festen, The Idiots in 1998 was the second Dogme film produced.

05:16

“So Lars Von Trier’s biggest influence on world filmmaking is being part of the dogma movement or starting the dogma movement with Thomas Vinterberg.

05:23

So restrictions we often think of as obstacles, for Von Trier, what dogma says is everything you confront as an artist is an opportunity to be creative.

05:33

And it’s also anti-Hollywood. He’s basically saying Hollywood is a system of storytelling conventions and encouraging people to think in other ways–

05:42

think outside of them and use your inherent creativity as a filmmaker and to come up with solutions to these restrictions”

05:49

Limiting himself this way might not result in the best possible film; it certainly won’t

05:54

result in the most perfect film.

05:55

Yet for him, it will yield the most interesting film, the most illuminating experiment, that

06:01

reveals something both about human nature and about the power of the film medium itself.

06:06

Von Trier is still all about the handheld camera and unobtrusive, natural lighting.

06:11

His stripped-down visuals feel as if anyone with a camera might just walk into a room

06:15

and film this, almost like a documentary meets an improvisation.

06:19

And this combination of a doc-improv feel underlines his relationship to truth.

06:24

He’s seeking to capture a truth by putting a camera into a dynamic, slightly dangerous

06:29

situation, and seeing what’s revealed.

06:31

“I think so many films today have the dogma look to them.

06:34

I think that the idea of the restless moving camera is something that comes from the dogma tradition or the dogma movement.

06:41

Derek Cianfrance’s Blue Valentine is kind of like a dogma film,

06:45

in the way that it seems sort of haphazard and it’s construction, seems like very arbitrary,

06:50

and there doesn’t seem to be real like a rigorous approach to composition,

06:55

but what it has instead is the dogma approach– trying to get the truth, emotional truth

06:59

out of the scenes and have the actors be invested in that performance

07:03

and so their solution to having a very low budget film is to insist on authenticity.

07:08

Lars Von Trier’s influence is often prompting other directors to seek that kind of authenticity.”

07:14

Meanwhile, interplaying with this naturalism, he also introduces gestures of artifice and

07:19

stylization into some of his films.

07:23

Look at Dogville, which is set up like a high-school production of Our Town.

07:27

Seeing a movie that looks beautiful is a comfort to us — but by making his movie look this

07:32

way, Von Trier is refusing us this comfort.

07:35

“What star is that?”

07:37

Melancholia, too, while it’s generally filmed in a Dogma style, opens with a highly stylized

07:42

sequence that evokes a painting — making us think about how melancholy may appear beautiful

07:47

when seen from an artful distance, compared to the actual reality of depression that we’re about to see.

07:53

The opening, like the introduction to an opera, introduces the film’s leitmotifs and expresses in a few images

07:59

what we are about to see in the drama.

08:02

Dancer in the Dark uses jump cuts, not unlike the French New Wave,

08:11

and it plays with color

08:12

changes and camera changes to designate the musical parts and the real-world of the film.

08:18

But he often reserves these stylized parts for a key sequence, a key moment or something that he wants emphasize

08:25

in contrast to the main body of the film.

08:28

Near the ending of Dogville, this change to the shot of Nicole Kidman among apples, which might be a

08:34

very normal shot in another film, gives us an almost radical feeling of relief.

08:38

“His films are described often as metacinematic.

08:41

They’re about the artist’s role in society and the artist’s role in the world

08:45

and they’re also about the nature of filmmaking itself.

08:48

His films often have these kinds of structures where you’re very conscience of the structures,

08:52

and you have in The Dancer in the Dark a musical. Musicals are supposed to be happy and upbeat,

08:57

and it’s the most despairing, depressing musical ever made.

09:00

And the idea is to make you think about filmmaking,

09:04

to make you think about what happens in a typical movie and to give you something else”

09:08

Von Trier’s films often follow a general structure of exhilaration and intellectual seduction,

09:14

that’s followed by a downfall,

09:15

an exposing of the ugly truth or the downside

09:18

of the ideas he’s presented more appealingly at the start.

09:21

Many of his films have this dual structure: Melancholia has two parts.

09:26

In the first, Justine played by Kirsten Dunst is a bride, attempting to commit to a happy life

09:31

but finding, by the end of the wedding night, that her self-destructive depression, can’t be contained

09:36

In the second part, this depression has fully taken over her

09:39

yet –as the end of the world nears — society’s assumptions about depression are reversed.

09:44

The thesis of the film is that depressed people are better equipped for apocalypse because,

09:48

having previously imagined catastrophe and disaster, they can accept and deal with the reality.

09:54

Thus while the second part of the film is a coming down, it’s also a reversal and a release.

10:00

Once we overcome the false truth of the first part

10:03

the idea that she should defeat her depression and be happy with her husband

10:06

we find another unexpected truth

10:09

that while her depression makes her terrible to those around her in everyday life, it also

10:13

helps her guide her family through the end of days.

10:16

In Nymphomaniac, the two parts are even separated into two distinct movies, or volumes

10:21

the first corresponding to the “nymph” and the second to the “mania” of Joe’s obsession with sex

10:27

Nymphomaniac Volume 1 is fun and funny

10:29

The viewer might enjoy seeing the character behaving a little wild and against social norms.

10:34

And like the man who is listening to her story in the movie

10:36

we don’t quite yet understand why she views herself as such a terrible person

10:41

But by Volume 2, as we see her extreme masochistic behavior, her abandoning of her child, and her

10:47

deteriorating body, it becomes so challenging that many might consider it unwatchable

10:52

and it might inspire resentment or backlash from us.

10:58

The ending of Dogville is so effective because Nicole Kidman’s character undergoes a complete 180

11:03

that reveals who she really was all along.

11:05

She’s been taking the town’s escalating abuse, seeming a martyr whose generous kindness has been punished with inhumane cruelty.

11:13

But her father tells her that her passivity is actually a kind of superiority

11:17

“So I’m arrogant. I’m arrogant because I forgive people?”

11:23

“My God. Can’t you see how condescending you are when you say that?”

11:29

I mean you have, you have this preconceived notion that nobody,

11:34

listen, that nobody can’t possibly attain the same high ethical standards as you, so you exonerate them.

11:41

I cannot, I cannot think of anything more arrogant than that.

11:47

You… you forgive others with excuses that you would never in the world permit for yourself.

11:54

Von Trier Also deals a lot with the scorned, fallen, or unstable woman.

11:59

And he’s stoking the flames, challenging us to judge or disapprove of these women

12:04

He puts us in a very tough position,

12:06

by making them guilty of the behaviors that society most condemns, especially in women

12:11

child endangerment, sexual infidelity and promiscuity, instability, unhappiness or even simple rudeness.

12:18

These films all feature lead women who are making society uncomfortable.

12:22

They’re expressing desire.

12:23

They’re expressing inconvenient aspects of their psyche — aspects that we may view

12:28

as unhealthy, or see as needing to be cured, treated, or even repressed.

12:33

But Von Trier is not interested in seeing these women “cured.”

12:36

Controversially, he often embraces their perceived dysfunction as a hidden strength, or something

12:42

that should not be rejected.

12:44

“My name is Joe and I’m a nymphomaniac”

12:46

“We say sex addict”

12:48

“I am a nymphomaniac, but above all, I love my c*nt”

12:58

It goes without saying that a Von Trier film is never going to end with a politically correct message.

13:03

Yet he has given us many films in which vastly complex and imperfect female protagonists

13:08

get to explore the extremes of their desires and the truths of their inner natures.

13:15

Watching the film, we may start to have intellectual insights or revelations,

13:19

and we may start to expect that we’ll arrive somewhere definite and grasp some kind of answer to the questions he’s posing.

13:26

But usually this is a false expectation.

13:28

As we’ve said, Melancholia does illustrate his thesis that depressed people are better in a crisis

13:33

because they can face the truth.

13:35

But in the end, we just cut out.

13:37

And we’re left wondering how useful that talent for facing apocalypse really is,

13:42

if everyone just dies pretty quickly anyway.

13:45

The impulse that most of us have to hope for some resolution or message in the end is again thwarted,

13:51

because that resolution or message would reduce everything we’ve just seen to something comfortable.

13:57

And the last thing Von Trier ever wants is to make us feel comfortable.

14:03

“But you, you’ve f*cked thousands of men”

14:07

Thanks for watching and if you like our videos

14:09

please consider supporting us on Patreon.

14:12

Just click this link here.

14:13

We spend a lot of time making these videos and every little bit helps,

14:17

and of course the very best thing you can do is subscribe to our channel

14:20

to get access to all of our latest videos.

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The post Lars von Trier: Making You Uncomfortable | Video Essay appeared first on The Good Men Project.

Thrive Relational Therapy - Marriage Counseling of Vancouver

400 East Evergreen Blvd, Suite 205

Vancouver, WA 98660

(360) 450-2327

info@thriverelationaltherapy.com

https://thrive-relational-therapy.business.site/?m=true

#Marriage Counselor #Counselor #Sexologist #Family Counselor #Occupational Therapist #Family Planning Counselor, LGBTQ, Gay, Sex therapy,

Infidelity counseling, Couples counseling, Navigating poly and non traditional relationships, LGBTQ+, Veterans, Anxiety, Life Transitions

Thrive Relational Therapy - Marriage Counseling of Vancouver

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Relationships Continually Failing? These May Be the Four Reasons Why

I have a friend that is absolutely wonderful. She is thoughtful, beautiful, intelligent, successful, and in my eyes, she is the ultimate catch.

Although she wants to get married and have a family she has never had a serious relationship in the five years I have known her.

Instead, she continually ends up with men who either want to be friends with benefits or want to keep her as a back-up option.

Several months I was ranting to my partner about how I couldn’t understand why my friend couldn’t have a healthy relationship when she is so amazing. When my rant was finished my partner turned to me and said something I know in theory but constantly forget in practice.

“You have no idea what she is like with the men she dates. She could be a completely different person. The way that someone behaves as a friend in no way dictates how they will act in a relationship.”

His words stuck with me and I remembered that there were plenty of reasons why relationships fail for someone even if they say that they are ready to have one that is “successful.”

…

#1. You haven’t worked through/on your past trauma

When I was younger I wanted love so badly.

I threw myself headfirst into my relationships time and time again, pouring everything that I had to offer into other people. When things continually didn’t work out, I began to wonder what was wrong with me but I didn’t bother changing my behavior.

Finally, I had a failed relationship that caused me to finally look within. I found an amazing therapist and began working through my past. Doing so helped me realize that I struggled with abandonment issues due to my childhood and struggled with codependency.

The man that I ended up meeting after working on my trauma is the one that I have been with ever since and I believe that is because I was actually in a place where I could accept and give love in a healthy relationship.

…

#2. You immediately distrust someone no matter what they do

Many people have been burned/encountered infidelity in their relationships.

Some of us are able to heal and trust after that. Others… not as easily.

There is a co-worker I had years ago that had been cheated on by her first serious boyfriend. After her heartache, she completely closed up instead of working through the pain. She kept a safe distance from both possible friends and any future romantic interests.

No matter who tried to get closer to her, she assumed that if she opened up, they would burn her in the end and keep them at an arm’s length.

Being cheated on is absolutely horrible. It feels like the world disappears from underneath your feet, I understand as I have been there. But that experience shouldn’t take away your ability to trust and love others, as it really only ends up being unfair… for you.

…

#3. You expect casual dates to turn into relationships

Time and time again I hear the same story from people who start hooking up/dating someone casually.

In the beginning, both parties involved will agree that they are seeing other people and don’t want things to be exclusive. Yet, one of them almost always ends up being furious when things don’t end up being exclusive because they didn’t actually want things to be casual from the very beginning.

Perhaps it’s because of the movies we have seen such as No Strings Attached, or Friends With Benefits where a hook-up situation ends up leading to a beautiful happy monogamous relationship.

The reality is that you need to take someone at their word. If they say that they aren’t interested in a relationship, take them at face value. Instead of investing months/years into that person, set your efforts towards someone who wants the same level of commitment that you do.

…

#4. You don’t have a list of deal-breakers

A long time ago I read an article in a magazine that talked about how the author finally realized she had to start having dealbreakers to navigate and find the relationship that she actually wanted.

At first, it was something I didn’t do because it felt… judgemental to just cut someone off as a potential partner because they did things/had traits I didn’t want.

Yet the moment I began putting dealbreakers in place my dating life significantly improved.

Because I held fast to my dealbreakers and didn’t date anyone who was a smoker, heavy partier, un-motivated, etc, I began attracting men who were on my wave-length and eventually met my partner who is everything I could have ever wanted in a life partner.

…

My friend called me last week to let me know that she has decided to start therapy and that she finally cut things off with her latest non-committing romantic interest. Although it has taken her a long time to get to this place, finally accepts that she deserves more.

Navigating dating and relationships is difficult and it is always going to be something that is ever-evolving.

However, it can be a lot easier if you make sure to put yourself first, ensure that you are communicating your expectations, and letting the right people into your life instead of shutting them out.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

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The post Relationships Continually Failing? These May Be the Four Reasons Why appeared first on The Good Men Project.

Thrive Relational Therapy - Marriage Counseling of Vancouver

400 East Evergreen Blvd, Suite 205

Vancouver, WA 98660

(360) 450-2327

info@thriverelationaltherapy.com

https://thrive-relational-therapy.business.site/?m=true

#Marriage Counselor #Counselor #Sexologist #Family Counselor #Occupational Therapist #Family Planning Counselor, LGBTQ, Gay, Sex therapy,

Infidelity counseling, Couples counseling, Navigating poly and non traditional relationships, LGBTQ+, Veterans, Anxiety, Life Transitions

Thrive Relational Therapy - Marriage Counseling of Vancouver

https://www.google.com/maps?cid=5187537357729445108

https://search.google.com/local/writereview?placeid=ChIJkQ-aw7KolVQR9DSI-r3V_Uc